Well, how was the last week or so? 2020 just continues to give the twists and turns, doesn’t it? I am almost lost for words really. Thank you again to all the families and staff in our Prescott family for your patience and understanding. We are endeavouring to follow the directions given by SA Health and the Association of Independent Schools South Australia, to keep our community as safe as possible. We are also trying to remain flexible and provide as many opportunities for our students to have school as normal as we can. Unfortunately, restrictions mean some things will not be able to happen as they usually do. For example, yesterday, our Junior school presented their Christmas Concert to fellow students rather than grandparents and other special people in their lives. We are trying our best to share this beautiful time by filming it and providing a link with families and perhaps it can make for an extra special time sitting around with the children and watching it. We will also need to adjust our Graduation and Awards evening for our Year 6s, but please know we will do all we can to make it a special event for our students and families. We will share more details soon. Given the constantly changing situation and restrictions, we are going to plan for a careful approach to minimise chances of exposure of families or likelihood of having to change plans constantly. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

In November each year, there is a promotion called Movember which I am supporting this year as it raises awareness of men’s health. It is a great reminder for all men to reach out and ask for help with our health – physical and mental. This is not something we men tend to do well, and I encourage all the dads, uncles, grandads and brothers to make that call to that health professional that you often put off.

Thinking of families, I read this insightful article on mothers and their roles this week. It is often in times of stress and change that things become difficult to manage in our lives. So I would like for us to take a moment to consider this article about what research tells us about family responsibilities and what we can do to help our families be the best they can and particularly how we can look after the mums. I think I have shared before what an amazing mum I had and how much I owe to her. I hope you find this article from Dr Jodi Richardson helpful.

“Emma, a French cartoonist summed up the mental load that most mothers carry in her 2017 viral comic, ‘You should’ve asked’. In the opening scene a very hassled mother was preparing for a dinner party, while feeding her two young children, dealing with a noisy dog and answering the phone, all while she was hosting a colleague for dinner. As the dinner boils over the stove and onto the floor she looked at her partner imploringly. He unwittingly answered, “But you should’ve asked! I would have helped.”

This scene artfully exemplifies the many invisible layers of responsibility that mothers carry including arranging most household tasks, managing the family home and being on top of the fine detail in every family member’s life.

This is not the case in all families, but current research reveals that the great majority of women bear the load when it comes to housework (mums do twice as much as dads), caring for children (again, mums doing twice as much as dads) and carrying the mental load for their family.

There’s only so much we can manage. For those of us who are anxious, there will be times our plates will fill, and overflow. While there’s no single way to ease the mental load that mothers carry the following ideas will help to make life more manageable:

Stop making life easy for others

Anecdotal evidence suggests that many mums will overdo preparation rather than expect others to step up and help. I have been known in the past to cook and freeze up to a week’s worth of meals prior to travelling for work. Not any more though. Magically, my husband and two school-aged children have become very capable in the kitchen as I’ve stepped back.

Delegate and let go

Delegate some household jobs to your children. Leah Ruppanner, professor of sociology at Melbourne University says, “Unless death is impending from poor domestic decisions, step back, support and allow others to learn from their mistakes.” Letting go of jobs and allowing kids to do things in their own way is hard for perfectionist personality types, but it’s essential if you are going to last the parenting journey. Surprisingly, both guilt and perfectionism ensure that many mums keep their children dependent upon them.

Diarise and check

One way to ease is the mental load is to lessen the number of mental notes and details that you carry around. Set up recurring electronic calendar entries for routine tasks and check regularly. This way you have less to remember and a place to find what you need, which is more efficient and mum-friendly way of being organised.

Lower the bar

Many mothers confess that they constantly feel guilt if they don’t put their children first. That’s a heavy burden to carry. If anxiety is a constant companion, it’s essential to lower the bar on your self-expectations. Unfulfilled expectations are proven stressors for mothers so take away tasks, rather than add to your mother load.

In closing

There’s little doubt that many mothers carry an overwhelming mental load that adds to their anxiety and stress. I’m not suggesting that you abandon your job entirely but rather to look for ways to make the mental load you carry a little lighter. In doing so, life will become easier to manage. As with all behavioural change its easiest to start small. But whatever you do, if you’re straining under the mother load make a start at releasing and sharing the load.

Parents can learn more about minimising anxiety as a mum in Dr. Jodi Richardson’s book Anxious Mums: How mums can turn their anxiety into strength published by Penguin Random House.” (Richardson, 2020)

Have a great week with your kids,

Mark B