Not school… again!

It can happen at any time of the year, but particularly during mid-term when the excitement has worn off…

“I don’t want to go to school today.”

“My tummy hurts.”

“School is boring!”

“I have a headache.”

“They tease me about how I look.”

“I don’t need to know this stuff, I’m going to be a YouTuber/Twitch Streamer.”

“I already know everything.”

A small percentage of children really, really like school. The rest experience it with everything ranging from mild indifference to deep disdain. And some kids are, frankly, terrified of it.

Below is a summary of a few powerful ideas to help build resilience in children who may be reluctant to go to school. You can read the full article published on HappyFamilies.com.au by clicking here.

Help build solid relationships

Relationships are at the heart of education. In fact they’re at the heart of life. When our children complain that “I don’t have any friends”, or “I hate my teacher”, the stage is set for school to be difficult.

Dr Gordon Neufeld and Dr Gabor Maté write extensively about the pitfalls of peer orientation in their book, Hold On to Your Kids. When children look to peers for validation of self-worth, they will never be satisfied. Our kids benefit much more from being embedded in a vertical social network with strong attachments to older caregivers.

Since schools aren’t structured for optimal identity development and psychological growth, the next best thing we can do is build school belonging. Dr Kelly Allen, a researcher at several prominent Victorian universities, has shown that children who feel they belong to the school (through friendships, strong relationships with teachers, involvement with organisations and extra-curricular activities, and a sense of being a part of something) thrive!

Help them see their progress

As humans, we are designed to improve. We’re collectively driven to make things smaller, build things higher, run faster, go further. We have an innate curiosity that leads us to try new things, to progress, to grow. We want to master things. Not every thing. But some thing.

School is supposed to push children to explore learning, to make progress on understanding, and to simulate development and curiosity. Anyone who has spent time at school (including teachers) knows, however, that for some children it feels to them like it was designed to stymie their progress.

These kids are interested in things. Just not the things they’re supposed to be learning at school. Or not in the way they’re being told to learn it. Or not with the people who are trying to help them learn it. Etc. You get the picture?

If your child feels like they’re not progressing; if they feel like it’s all too hard; if your child feels incompetent, a dummy, a loser, an idiot… school can be really difficult.

As a parent, however, the best thing we can do, other than helping our children feel that they belong, is to help our children feel that they can learn, progress, and make tiny wins. Feeling connected at school is critical. Feeling competent at school is just as vital.

Help them see the purpose in learning

While many children are content with learning for learning’s sake, there will be some who complain that school is pointless because they just want to be a tennis player, actress, hairdresser, or tractor driver.

For these kids, it can be beneficial to work with them to identify their purpose in going to school. Maybe they do want to be a tennis player and travel the international circuit, so focusing on their chosen language of French would be useful. Maybe they do want to be an actress, so they need to go to school daily to be involved in rehearsals for the school production. Their purpose doesn’t have to align with what you think the ideal purpose is for going to school, but if they have a reason for getting to school, they’re more likely to find other things they also enjoy once they’re there.

Attitude is everything

The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon, or the frequency illusion, explains how if you notice something once, and ascribe meaning to it, suddenly that thing appears to pop up everywhere (like a song that suddenly seems to be playing on every radio). The actual frequency of the event hasn’t changed but our brain is primed to notice it now. Consequently, if your child has noticed something negative about school, their attention is now subconsciously biased to keep noticing similar negative things.

On the flip side, having a positive outlook or optimistic attitude has been linked with better health outcomes and improved quality of life.

(Source: Justin Coulson, How to Help when School Sucks, 18 Jan 2023, happyfamilies.com.au)