Discipline vs Punishment

I’ll admit, that one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is dealing with the poor choices our children make in regards to the things they say or do (or, maybe don’t do…)

Often we find ourselves thinking back to our response and wondering, ‘Did I handle that ok? Did my words and actions make things better, or simply make me feel better?’

I recently read an article by one of my favourite child and family-focused psychologists, Dr Justin Coulson. In response to a parent’s question regarding discipline he writes:

‘One of the things I emphasise time and again is that discipline is instruction, teaching, and guiding. Punishment, on the other hand, means “to inflict a penalty”, or “to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault.” And consequences? Well, the dictionary says they are “the result of something occurring earlier.”

This is a powerful and challenging concept to grasp as parents. Fortunately, Dr Coulson outlines a three-step approach to tackling discipline from a teaching and guiding lens:

Explain – Under normal circumstances, the best approach is to stay calm and kind, and then explain what behaviour, or change you’re after and why. We get the best results when we actually provide a reason for what we’re asking.

Explore – Ask your child to tell you what occurred and why it happened from their perspective. Don’t ask for answers that you already know – just explain the things you already have knowledge of. By the time you have explained and explored, everyone should be feeling understood. At this point, we empower.

Empower – Give your child a chance to think of appropriate ‘next steps’. When they share "dumb" ideas, ask for more ideas or for explanations. Problem-solve. If they get stuck, tell them to go and have a think and come back to you when they’re ready. We want our kids to come up with the way forward. They do so much better when we get them engaged in the process.

To learn more about the Three E’s, and what to do if the problem keeps happening, I would encourage you to read the full article by clicking here.