One of the big challenges Alison and I faced as parents, was what to do when our kids came home talking about either a television program, movie or current event that they had heard about from their friends, or when we saw something on TV, heard on the radio or raised in conversation, that was not necessarily something we would like to have happen at our house, or in our family.

I don’t recall us having a deep insightful parenting conversation, though I am guessing we chatted through how best to guide our family. The approach we settled on was to take the program or event and either describe or watch (if appropriate) the situation and see what we could all learn from it. I certainly didn’t understand the psychological and cognitive benefits of the process at the time, I just knew it was helpful for the kids to work through things in a supportive, semi-informed, positive environment, rather than having to sift through all sorts of uninformed gossip and inuendo.

I now understand that the process of sitting with a young person as they try to understand life and its events, and asking good questions, is a way of getting them to check in on the values they hold (or are developing) to see who they really are as a person or growing to be, and why they are that way.

I think it is very sad that in a world in which we have countries at war, one of the world’s largest cities being thrown back into a 5-day COVID prompted lockdown, families facing flooding only 3 weeks after the last flood, and multiple other humanitarian challenges, the story capturing many of the headlines is an actor slapping a comedian at the Academy Awards. However, that interaction is likely something that has, or will, come up in conversations at home. I read an article this morning that talks about how we can make the most of this story (and use the ideas for other stores/movies/situations) for good parenting. You may need to adjust some of the questions for younger children, or use a different situation, but I think you will find it interesting and helpful.

“This week, the biggest news event wasnʼt war in Ukraine, floods on Australiaʼs East Coast, or even COVID surges. Instead, it was a story of an angry celebrity (Will Smith) storming the Oscars stage and hitting the comedian (Chris Rock) who made an ordinary joke at the expense of the angry mad manʼs wife (Jada Pinkett Smith). And everybody is talking about it. Including our children.

How do we talk to our children about this incident?

What to talk about with your children

The Smith/Rock saga offers an amazing opportunity to have real conversations with your kids about big questions we all face. But I think we can go a little deeper. Rather than talking to your kids, nowʼs the time for some really fascinating and important questions.

One of the most powerful ways that we build resilience in our children is by helping them to discover their identity. And we do that by asking them questions. In the wake of this incident we could ask questions so our children can learn about the kinds of people they are.

We can ask them questions about violence, like:

“Why do you think Will Smith hit Chris Rock?”
“Should he have done that?”
“When is it ok to hit someone and when is it not ok?”
“Should anyone ever hit anyone?”
We can ask them questions about humour, like:
“Is it ok to tell jokes at someone elseʼs expense?”
“How should we respond when someone tells an unkind joke?”
“What kind of humour is really funny, and what kind of humour isnʼt?”
“Why do you think so many comedians make jokes at the expense of other people?”
We can even ask questions about honour, and feminism, like:
“Does a man have a responsibility to defend his wife or those close to him if someone offends them?”
“How might he defend them best? With fists? With words? Or in some other way?”
“What does this tell us about gender stereotypes? Women have to have beautiful hair? Men are strong and can hit people they disagree with or are offended by? Women are helpless?”
“Why is it more offensive to joke about a woman who has lost her hair than it is to joke about a man who has lost his hair and is bald?”

How counterfactuals can help

You may have heard of counterfactuals. A counterfactual is simply something that didnʼt happen, but could have. Itʼs kind of like saying, “if koalas had wings, they could fly.” And counterfactuals provide us with all the tools we need to have quality conversations about tricky topics with our children.

Some fascinating counterfactuals you can ask your children (that will help them disentangle their feelings about violence, race, gender, and more) are:

“What if a white man (like Seinfeld) told the joke and Will Smith (a black man) hit him?”
“What if Chris Rock (a black man) told the joke and a white man (Hugh Jackman) hit him?”
“What if Jada Pinkett Smith got ff her seat and hit Chris Rock? Is it ok for a woman to hit a man?”

Teaching empathy and humanity
Regardless of your views, or the views of your child, this incident also gives us the chance to teach empathy for both Smith and Rock.

For example, if you or your child think Smith did the wrong thing, ask, “Have your emotions ever gotten the better of you?” “Was he trying to ruin the night for everyone?” “Why did his brain flip its lid?”

Empathy is feeling someoneʼs emotion in your heart. This conversation allows us to have compassion for the perpetrator and the victim.

And Chris Rock was just doing what decades of comics have done before him – picked on rich, successful people in the room. In poor taste, but can we have a sense of the humanity of both people without excusing them?

When we ask these kinds of questions, with curiosity and openness, we do a few important things for our children:

1. We build trust into our relationships. Our children know we are interested in them, their views, and their values. They see that weʼre not trying to impose ideas. Weʼre real conversation partners. They belong with us, are safe sharing with us, and can learn with us.
2. We show them we believe in them. This fosters a sense of competence and capability. They learn to articulate their views, feelings, and reactions. Moreover, if we take our time and respond with gentle questioning, they learn that challenging topics can be broached respectfully, and ideas can be shared, even if the people in the conversation donʼt completely agree with one another.
3. We teach them, specifically, about who they are. This happens because as they share their ideas, theyʼre tapping into their values. Theyʼre shaping what they believe as they speak their words. It empowers them to continue talking and continue discovering values that build identity.

Importantly, asking these questions of our children – and hearing their responses – opens them up to hearing our reactions, our values, and the ideas that make us who we are.

And finally: Will Smith apologised. Eventually. Via his publicist. Talking with your children about what makes a good apology might make for a very useful family discussion.

This week as you talk with your children about the Smith/Rock saga, withhold judgment, invite ideas, and watch your child grow in character right before your eyes.” (Coulson, 2022)

Have a great week with your kids,
Mark B