I think I am going to over-share in this week’s Principal’s Remarks. (Probably not the best start to this section either) I would like to tell you about one of the things I struggle most with in life, as an educator, as a leader, as a husband, as a dad, as a grandad, as a friend, well, as a person really. Here it is, “I am really harsh on myself when I don’t meet the expectations or level of performance that I think I should.” I was recently reading some literature in the area and the author asked a question that really hit home to me. “Do you ever say harsh things to yourself that you would never say to anyone else?” I had to honestly answer, “yes”.

As a high school teacher, I made an agreement with myself that whenever I heard a student putting themselves down, I would stop them. I developed a saying that went something like this. “There will be enough people and advertising in this world that will say negative things about you and put you down in life, you don’t need to be a part of that.”  So here is my dilemma. Why do I see it as so important for other people to be kind and compassionate to themselves, but yet I am so quick to come down hard, even extremely harsh, on myself? Perhaps I am the only one who struggles with this, but I am pretty sure I have plenty of company with this one. I looked around a bit and found an article that comes at this challenge from a parenting perspective and I share it with you in the hope that you find some inspiration and practical suggestions for some self-kindness and self-compassion in your parenting life.

“This has been a tough parenting year. On a personal level it’s been challenging, but when you add the extra difficulty of helping children and young people navigate this year, you’d be forgiven for feeling like you’ve had enough.

It’s timely to look at US-based academic Dr. Brene’ Brown’s research that informed her book The Gift of Imperfect Parenting. Brown’s core finding was that the best parenting strategies rely on modelling for them to be adopted by children. That’s a little scary as it means we need to be the adults that we want to our kids to become.

There is great power in kids watching us practise how we manage hardships, frustrations and difficulties. Whether we use self-kindness or self-put downs, either will leave an impression on our kids. Not only do they see how we react when we stumble or make mistakes, but we give them permission to act in the same ways.

It’s hard to be self-kind

If you’re a goal-oriented type of person, highly-judgemental or someone who likes to get things done, then self-kindness can be difficult to befriend. It goes against the grain to laugh at your mistakes or miss a deadline, even though it won’t be the end of the world as you know it. If you recognise this type of rigid approach then it may be time let go of some old ways. Inflexibility is the enemy of healthy wellbeing, which thrives on adaptability and self-forgiveness.

Let them hear the process

Giving a child or young person insight into your thinking is a powerful parenting strategy. Sharing your struggles and mess ups with kids in age-appropriate ways takes vulnerability and promotes empathy. It takes courage to share a comment such as, “I keep putting myself down, which is not helpful. I’ve got to talk to myself as if I’m talking to someone I love.” Disclosing this type of self-talk is only useful if it’s done in a safe, matter of fact way and a child is comfortable with the message.

Self-kindness means acting compassionately toward yourself when you are struggling to meet your own expectations, meeting with unexpected difficulties and/or met with failure. It’s time to drop the stiff upper lip, put aside the strict schedule and stop berating yourself. Instead say to yourself, “This is really tough right now. How can I take some comfort and look after myself?” This is a message worth modelling particularly, if you are living with a perfectionist or a child with tendencies toward anxiety.” (Grose, 2021)

Have a great couple of weeks with your kids, enjoy some downtime, and be kind to yourselves.

Mark B