One of the favourite parts of my day is helping students out of the car at the drop off zone and welcoming them to school. It gives me a wonderful insight into the lives, joys and struggles of many of our families and the kids. Some children just seem to naturally jump into the day and can’t wait to get into it. For others, it’s a real battle. I have a wonderful memory from last year, when a little Foundation child was dropped off. As I got her out of the car, I could hear little sobs, so I knelt down beside her, wiped a couple of tears away and asked her what I could do to help. She replied that she would be ok, that she could do this, and that she was ready to go. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed with admiration for her courage and her attitude to push on, even though it wasn’t easy.

There are multiple factors that go into this sort of resilience. Not every child has the same inclination towards it as this kid had, but there are things that we can do to help build resilience in our children. I know I often write about this topic, but I firmly believe we live in a society where things have become so convenient, cost effective and available, that we are going out of our way to make life’s path smooth and manicured for our kids. The challenge is that when difficulties come, and they will definitely come, we have not developed attitudes, inclinations and strategies of resilience in our children. Am I saying we shouldn’t always give our children everything they want, when they want it? Yes I am. Saying “no” or “not right now” or “not until . . . “ are very important words and phrases to say and follow through on with our children. Delayed gratification, the ability to deal with minor discomforts, insisting on having them do something they don’t really want to, are all wonderful ways of developing habits and abilities that promote resilience in our kids. Please don’t interpret what I am saying here as being mean, unfair or damaging to our kids. What I am saying is that we do our children a grave disservice if we don’t prepare for the storms as well as the sunshine.

Below is an article you may find helpful with some practical hints on building resilience in our children.

“Muscles needs to be exercised daily if they’re to remain strong, flexible and do their jobs. Resilience is no different. If it’s not exercised regularly our resilience will waste away.

Resilience is developed through regular daily use. Here are some simple ways you can encourage a child or young person of any age to flex their resilience muscles every day.

Wait until mealtime

Discourage them from random snacking when they are hungry. Encourage them to wait until mealtime. By tolerating minor discomforts such as hunger, thirst or even some worries, kids get the practise needed to help them manage bigger future hurdles that may come their way. You can build your child’s tolerance of discomfort by encouraging them to delay immediate gratification even just for a few moments.

Do more than expected

Great sports people routinely train more than others and push through mental and physical boundaries. Encourage your child to push through boundaries and do more than expected in small ways. Perhaps they don’t just clean their bedroom but tidy the living room as well. They may aim to shoot 10 goals in a row at basketball practice but keep going until they reach fifteen. Going past the finish line is wonderful resilience practice. What else can you do that would encourage your child to do more than expected on a regular basis?

Save pocket money

Did you know that when you encourage your child to save some of their pocket money rather than spend it immediately you are teaching them to delay gratification, an acknowledged resilience attribute? Asking a child to set aside some pocket money for saving, some for charity and some for spending will help develop a balanced use of pocket money. It helps if a child can develop their own savings goal, and parental suggestions can assist. The delay of an immediate reward to achieve a greater or later reward needs to be practiced if it’s to become part a child’s pattern of behaviour.

Make the bed

Resilience comes from doing things that we don’t feel like doing and making a bed is one thing few people enjoy. The daily habit of making a bed (to the best of a child’s or teen’s ability) is a brilliant discipline to develop, which has the bonus of setting kids up well for a productive day at school. What other simple habits that fit into the “don’t-like-to-do” basket that benefits either your child or others in the family?

Help when you don’t feel like it

It’s easy to help at home when they’ve had a good day at school or the weather is fine. It’s much more difficult to step up and help set the table, put the rubbish out or hear a sibling read when they’ve had a bad day at school or the weather is stinking hot. The seemingly small act of sticking to commitments develops discipline and conscientiousness that contributes to a sense of resilience.

Smile when you don’t feel happy

Feelings may be difficult to manage, but behaviour is a choice. Encourage kids to choose happy, or at least act happy by smiling rather than putting on a grumpy face. The brilliant thing about this strategy is that smiling changes their mood so that they begin to experience pleasant emotions.

It’s the small, everyday behaviours we encourage in kids that have the greatest impact on their behaviour, wellbeing and resilience.” (Grose, 2021)

Have a great week with your kids,

Mark B