The Olympics have come and gone for another few years and it was great to witness the triumphs, tragedies, resilience and achievements. I watched an interview with the young Australian pole vaulter, Kurtis Marschall, who had made the Olympic Finals, but was not able to make a vault stick in the finals.

I saw a young man who was obviously devastated for himself and his family, coaches and country, but I also saw as young man who said he would not let this beat him and he would go back, see what he could do better and try again. While I am sure a medal winning performance would have made for a completely different interview, I have to say I was so proud of him for his effort, achievement, but most of all his attitude. It can be really frustrating not getting what we want, when we want it, but we must learn, and help our children learn, to deal with frustration, waiting, and what to do when we don’t achieve how we would like. This is probably not going to win me a popularity contest, but we do not help our children learn this by smoothing the path of our children. Taking away things that do or may frustrate our children does not help them learn to deal with it. Some of you may remember a few years ago I wrote in this section of the newsletter about not taking the stone out of one of my children’s gumboots straight away, but letting them walk with for a while try to move it to where it was bearable. This was my attempt at letting them deal with discomfort for a little while before taking it away. Below is an article I found around how we can help our children build frustration tolerance, and use frustration as an opportunity to learn and grow.

“Unfortunately, as the world puts increased pressure on kids to be winners, and parents feel compelled to enable them in every way possible, we’re seeing more and more kids who become distraught over even the smallest misstep.

Take Sara’s son John, who started taking piano lessons at 6. “Every time he played a wrong note he would pick up the music booklet and hit himself on the head with it!” she says. “His piano teacher said she’d never seen a kid who was so hard on himself. I told him when he made a mistake to treat himself the way he’d treat his younger cousin, that no one can learn if someone’s being mean to them, and that he wasn’t allowed to be mean to himself.”

 . . . Clearly, distress or frustration tolerance is an important life skill to master. When it comes to school, “the ability to tolerate imperfection—that something is not going exactly your way—is oftentimes more important to learn than whatever the content subject is,” says Dr. Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “Building that skill set is necessary for kids to be able to become more independent and succeed in future endeavors, whether it’s personal goals, academic goals, or just learning how to effectively deal with other people.”

So how do parents teach kids to fail? Dr. Mintzer offers a multistep process:

First, show empathy

Empathize with your child; see that she’s in distress. “Don’t just say, ‘It’s okay, you’ll do better next time,'” Dr. Mintzer says. “It’s invalidating to brush off a child’s feelings of frustration and disappointment.” Instead, parents need to change their language: “I see you’re really disappointed, I know you really wanted to do better.”

Make yourself a model

You can explain that failure is a part of life and happens to everyone, even you. You could share examples of “failures” you’ve had. “Parents can model how to handle their own disappointment,” such as losing out on a promotion at work, Dr. Mintzer says. “Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.”

Make it a teachable moment

A child’s failure is a chance for parents to teach acceptance and problem-solving skills. You and your child can try to come up with what she could do the next time for a better chance at success. For instance, could she study differently or talk to the teacher about any problems she’s having before a test?

“It’s a balance of acceptance and change,” Dr. Mintzer says. “It’s about accepting that the situation is what it is and building frustration tolerance while also asking, ‘Can we change something in the future. Can we learn from this?'”(Arkey, 2021)

Have a great week with your kids,

Mark B